'Dear Fans': An interpretation of Goodell's letter

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell distributed a letter to fans Wednesday, listing changes coming to the game in the upcoming season. The following is a fictional rendition of said letter.

Dear Fans,

Here at the NFL, we can't ignore the facts anymore - particularly when it comes to the way fans experience our game.

We know the ratings were down and more and more fans are staying away from our stadiums, as negative feedback grows about the in-stadium and live NFL game-viewing experience.

You made us what we are, the multi-billion-dollar sports Goliath. Your desire for everything football has made us very rich owners and executives and we need for that to remain the case. So, to keep your attention and hard-earned dollars, we have offered concessions in two key areas: the flow and pace of the game and the structure, but not the volume of commercials and unnecessary disruptions.

Today, I want to try and convince you we're working to address that.

On the football side, there are some minor changes we are making to the mechanics and rules of the game and also our officiating.

Considering Dean Blandino already wields all power in regards to replay reviews, we have centralized all reviews to his New York command center. We will arm the Referee with a tablet to review the play, but let's be real here, those at officiating headquarters in New York will tell him what to do. This should improve consistency and accuracy of decisions while saving a few seconds.

Together with our broadcast partners, we will be working to reduce the frequency of commercial breaks in our game, but won't dare touch the quantity. We know how annoying it is when we come back from a commercial break, kick off, and then cut to a commercial again. At the office, we call those "double downs." Ha ha. We snuck 'em by you for awhile, but you've caught on. Our goal is to eliminate it ... but no promises.

We also know that you feel there are too many elements in the broadcast that aren't relevant to the play on the field. We're working on automated, robotic announcers that will keep the focus only on the nuts and bolts of the game (see what I did there?).

All of these changes are meant to give the impression that we're doing something to improve the game experience but distract you from the real problems.

There is much work to do in the coming seasons to continue to fight back the changes in media, broadcasting, sports, and technology. So these small tweaks are intended to appear as significant changes for you, our fans.

We hope that you will continue to give us feedback on how we can win you back.

Thank you for all that you do for our employees ... err, players, our teams, and our game.

Roger Goodell